On being brave
I know I lament (read: complain) a lot about being single and not having a boyfriend, but maybe it’s because I never actually DO anything about it. I am the girl who gets a crush on a boy and will rather love him in silence and from a distance than tell him or do anything about it. I hide in my books and my sarcasm and my smartness. I was a terribly awkward teenager; I’m a slightly less awkward adult. Added to this, I have had a terrible experience with an ex-boyfriend. So I’m a little apprehensive when it comes to guys.
So I am not entirely sure what possessed me to do actually DO something about my liking of this guy I have liked for oh, about 4 years now. Let me just say that this was a crush of idiotic proportions. I turn into a complete mess when I am around someone I like. Zombie brain, clumsiness, the whole package. Anyway, so one of my best friends kept putting pressure on me to say or do something about all this in-likeness I had in me. This was on a whole new level of peer pressure. She was PMSing so she was being more aggressive too. I hate being told what to do. I especially hate being told what to do with my feelings. But girlfriend was having none of this from me. So I did it. I became a wanter and not a wisher. I became pro-active.
I wrote him a letter. I wish I could have written it on paper and posted it to him coz I am old-school like that, but, you know, technology is faster.
I wasn’t going to post the actual letter, because feelings. But here you go*:
Dear Ryan Gosling**
I have to do this now before I lose my will and this moment of madness passes.
I have had a massive crush (and by this I mean I had zombie brain on the regular because I’m a fool) on you since that day we sat in your car talking and you introduced me to John Mayer (thank you for that, it changed my life).
I don’t know what happened or why we stopped talking (life, I guess) but I still think you’re funny and cool and a great guy. So, if you want to hang out some time or go for coffee or write me a song LOL, that would be great.But if you just want to share some witty banter on social networks, then that’s ok by me, too.
This is me being honest because I suck at flirting (as Fiona pointed out, I’ve read every book in the world except the flirt manual :/) and I just like to get to the point of things.
Also, if you want to chat or speak on the telephone, my number is XXX XXX XXXX.
Erm, yours in hope and awkwardness,
*some details have been changed
**This letter was not really addressed to Ryan Gosling. Please people.
So that was it. All I had to do was wait. And I waited. And waited. I actually waited until I got to a point where I was getting pissed off because OMG these are my FEELINGS and they’re now in the public domain. I’m a little anxious, ok?
Eventually I got a reply but it was not the reply I wanted: homeboy informed me that he was prepping for an exam and would speak to me when that was over.
I was almost getting over the whole thing (did I mention anxiety and also, impatience?) when he replied. I didn’t want to read the message because I was scared but I knew I eventually had to….
I GOT FRIEND ZONED SO HARD.
My hope was so young, so fresh, so new when BAM!!!!! Sorry for you, Muneera, this bus stops in the Friend Zone. And it ran out of fuel. And the driver is drunk. And he fell asleep.
In his defence, he had good reasons. And that was ok by me. Yes I was a bit disappointed but what can you do? I’m not gonna FORCE the man. Jeez.
I wish he was a douche about it so I could have a reason to be mad. But no, he is very nice and polite and decent and I’m sure he was saving a kitten while trying not to hurt my feelings. My ego is bruised, but that’s ok.
Being brave like that taught me several things:
*I won’t do it very easily again
*Timing is everything
*The liberation does not trump the anxiety I feel while waiting
*Freedom, for me anyway, only comes with certainty
So while this experience did not have the desired outcome, we are still friends (even though I will need some time because, again, feelings *so untimely and inconvenient*) and I think it will be okay. As my mother says, everything happens for a reason. My mother is very seldom wrong.
Over and out.
The Reluctant Spinster.