I burned down the spinster club

Ugh guys, listen, there are only so many times you can complain about being single until you start to annoy even yourself.

UNIVERSE I AM READY TO BE IN LOVE.

I have burned down the spinster club and revoked all memberships. Let’s not be sad whiny losers, ok? There is this book by Iyanla Vanzant called In the Meantime and basically it’s about how to be patient while waiting for love and how to make yourself a better person and it’s very deep and stuff and I have nothing against any of those things but I am not here to be deep and stuff so here is a list of things to do (and some things to remember) while you’re single:

1. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. ARE YOU READY?

If you have someone who tells you they love you at least once a day, hell, once every few days, you are lucky. If it’s your best friend, your parents, your cat’s imaginary whispers or your dog who is happy to see you, remember that you are extremely lucky and some people really are all alone. The world is not kind to everyone. Be grateful.

2. Find someone to have a crush on and then follow these simple steps by the legendary Anja van der Spuy. It doesn’t even have to be a real person. I know someone who loved Mufasa from The Lion King for a very long time.

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Look at that handsome face. That beard. So regal, so majestic.

3. Collect as much Tupperware, kitchen items and linen as you can. Even if you’re not domesticated, this is a good idea. One day, you’ll want to move out of your parents’ house or get married and move out and then you’ll have an amazing amount of things to take with you but ALSO for your house-warming registry (this should be a thing, I’m making it a thing right now) or wedding registry you can request ridiculous things like Windsor cake forks and bamboo salt pots and an avocado slicer and salt and pepper shakers that hug each other and your rich friends can buy you a Kenwood chef.

4. Find a hobby. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE. Whether it is sand boarding, helping out at an orphanage/old age home/charity over weekends, helping kids to learn how to read, bedazzling things, scrap-booking, learning how to decorate cakes, learning how to surf, learning how to use power tools, spending time with your loved ones, going to a spa every weekend, WHATEVER…do it for you. You deserve it.

5. Be ridiculous. We all have that one friend who likes themes. His/her birthday party is always themed. You feel like an idiot and hate costume parties but you do it anyway because you love your friend. Take funny pictures and actually post them on ALL YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKS, print some of them and frame them. Life is too short to take yourself seriously all the time. When you go out to events, dress up. Movie premiers? Please dress according to the theme of the film you’re going to see. Going to high tea? Best believe you’re wearing your pearls today.

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6. Learn to take good care of yourself. You won’t be young forever. Invest in a good skin regiment. When you’re 40 and getting ready to start dating the 27 year olds, you’ll be grateful.

7. LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH. Laugh yourself into hospital. This really happened.

8. Spend some time alone. This is not something everyone is comfortable with. To quote Oriah Mountain Dreamer (I can be deep and cheesy):

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

No matter how lame you think this is, it’s a truth that holds so much worth.

9. If you don’t enjoy reading, stop your tomfoolery and get to a library or a book store. There is so much wealth in books. You learn something new all the time. Read whatever you like, even the entire Mills and Boon section.

10. Embrace the lame and uncool things you love. Be unashamed of your love for Justin Bieber or trashy romance novels and your terrible taste in movies. Why yes, I WILL watch Coyote Ugly for the 5th time, thank you very much. Excellence is a habit, and by the time the Universe sends you the love you deserve, you will be accepted with all your geekery and foolishness.

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When Jersey starts singing on the bar, oh you better believe it’s on.

11. When you are out of the “forever alone” slump and are ready for the world and to receive good things and you feel like giving everyone CareBear attacks, shooting rainbows out of your tummy and shit, focus that energy on something that you’ve been putting off. Something important. Finishing that Masters thesis (ahem), starting a new project, whatever it is, that energy can be put to good use to change you life if you want it to.

12. Find a balance between being selfless and selfish. One extreme is not healthy, we all know this. Take time for yourself and make time for others. People really appreciate small gestures. Call your mother if you haven’t spoken to her in a while. Text your best friend just to say hi. Book yourself that Groupon you were looking at earlier for a luxurious spa day.

13. HAVE A SAVINGS PLAN. If you have a job and you have investments and all that, good for you, you have your shit together. Some of us are still trying to adult here. Save a little bit each month, consistently. Ask advice from people you trust and who are good with money. Ask advice at your bank. Educate yourself.

The point of all this is that being single is not the end of the world. We’re in our 20s (some of us later than others) and the concern about our biological clocks and being forever alone is real, yes. I get it. I live it. But there is more to life than waiting for a man to marry you.

Reluctant Spinster no more.

xxx

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